Kathleen A. Barry, PhD

Book Release “Are There Hot Dogs in Heaven?”

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Fri, 12 Jul 2024 16:43:53 +0000

Great News! My children’s book Are There Hot Dogs in Heaven? has been published and will be released August 1, 2024!

 Are There Hot Dogs In Heaven? is my story of the first death that I experienced in my life. My dad’s sudden death impacted not only my life but the lives of my siblings and our mother. Our family life was forever shaped by his death.   I have loved the question “Are There Hot Dogs in Heaven?” ever since I asked my mother in the aftermath of my dad’s death. I was searching for something inside of my question. I remember feeling sad and lost that he was gone. I worried about my mother who was so visibly shaken by his absence.

I was searching for certainty and something that could help soothe the grief and loss we were experiencing.   My friends had told me he was dead and I didn’t understand why my mother said he was in heaven. If he was somewhere, then surely I could find him and enjoy eating a hot dog with him once again. But first I needed to know if there were in fact hot dogs in heaven. Writing this story reminded me of that tenacious four-year-old girl who searched for the truth by asking poignant questions.  

I want to thank my writing coach and editor Marcia Meier, illustrator Bill Hart, and publisher Weeping Willow Books for all their support and vision on this project.

Pre-order copies are NOW available for purchase on Amazon!

Pre-Order Now!

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Tina Turner, Tirzepatide, and Healing: Love’s Got A-lot To Do With It

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Mon, 22 Apr 2024 19:00:56 +0000

Tina Turner asks emphatically “what’s love got to do with it?” while describing the experience of feeling deep physical attraction to another. The song strongly encourages its listener to steer away from falling in love by remaining logical and detached. It suggests keeping love at bay as the preferred approach since love is nothing but a “second hand emotion.” If we keep something or someone at bay, or hold them at bay, we prevent them from reaching, attacking, or affecting us. Love is such a powerful force in life—when we feel it for another, we are vulnerable to both joy and heart break.

I believe cultivating self-love can be even more complex and complicated than the experience of loving another. Human beings are so often at odds within themselves due to regularly receiving mixed messages about how they need to be, look, and act. The lyrics of Tina’s famous song got me thinking about love—more particularly self-love. I have been curious about its influence in our daily lives, and have wondered about the intersection of self-love and body health.

In The Self Compassion Diet author Jean Fain lays out a road map for cultivating self-compassion while on a weight loss journey. She encourages her reader to cultivate a practice of asking “what am I learning on this journey” rather than solely focusing on the number on the scale. So far, I have learned that I’m not always compassionate and loving towards my body. I am much more familiar with getting caught in the paralyzing cycle of angry thoughts about my body’s size and shape and the ensuing feelings of shame and hopelessness, usually followed by eating and drinking.

I described in my last post the powerful moments I had on the Ganges River in the aftermath of experiencing extreme pain after injuring my knee while traveling through India. The Ganges was teaching me about the need to cultivate self-love practices. I define self-love as the act of creating regular practices that interrupt unhealthy ways of thinking and being that result in stress, suffering, and harm to our body.

Since my last post, I have had three injections of tirzepatide which is a medication designed to effectively regulate appetite and insulin levels. So far I’ve experienced minimal negative side effects. I am pleased with my rate of weight loss for the three weeks I’ve been following this protocol. I’ve learned how habitual a creature I am in relationship to food and alcohol. I eat and drink whether I’m celebrating or struggling. This medication has helped to lessen the physical cravings for food and alcohol. And each day I need to talk to the habitual voice that wonders when I will eat or drink next … preferably only when I am hungry!

I met with a sports medicine MD who was able to pull up my X-rays from five years ago and conducted an ultrasound on both knees at the same time he reviewed the films. He did not see that my knees are in a severely worsened condition and is optimistic about treating the arthritis and bone spurs in my knees without surgery. I had a new set of X-rays done and will have a follow up appointment with him this coming week. He also gave me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory non-steroidal medicine which has helped immensely. I didn’t realize how much anticipatory and real pain I lived with each day which generally left me feeling tired.

Our bodies give us cues every day as to how well or not well they are feeling and doing. It’s all about learning to trust those cues—our bodies communicate with us in particular ways. Our job is to learn to become familiar with the cues and to heed their message by listening and taking effective actions to help ourselves. These actions can lead to healing practices that become an integral part of our daily life. And it truly is living and learning one day at a time.

I am on a journey of discovering practices that will lead me to living in conscious awareness of self-love. All that I am currently doing are steps towards health, well-being, and sanity!

Namaste,

Kathleen

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India, Oprah and Ram Dass: Creating An Auspicious Possibility

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Fri, 22 Mar 2024 17:59:16 +0000

I’ve always loved Oprah Winfrey and have followed her work through the years. I was in awe of her as she publicly confronted her shame of being overweight. She has always been courageous and honest about the struggles she regularly experiences to lose weight and maintain her weight loss. There came a point in her journey where she decided to make peace with her body. When she became the spokesperson for Weight Watchers, she thought she had found the ideal approach for her lifestyle. Then she was recently photographed at The Color Purple movie premiere wearing the most gorgeous purple gown and showing the world her thinner body. I felt jealous and envious. Something was very different!

I have struggled with my weight and body image since I was a young girl. I gained a considerable amount of weight after my late husband passed away 13 years ago. I have started several weight loss programs—some more successful than others. I work out with a trainer three times a week and walk a minimum of four times each week. I am conscious of how much I eat and drink. I am aware of what is going in my mouth, and quite frankly, I am not as committed to a daily “less is more” regime as I was when I was a younger woman. So losing the weight and keeping it off has been very difficult. More times than not, I have thrown the towel in, choosing instead to be as fit as possible while carrying extra pounds. The extra weight over the past 13 years, however, has had a cumulative negative effect on my knees and joints.

When we were in India last month, I had an AHA/Oprah moment while in the spiritual city of Varanasi. The last two days of our tour were in Varanasi which included a sunset tour along the Ganges. I had injured my left knee and IT band during the first half of our journey in India. To cope, I wore my knee brace, took Advil, and regularly used one of my walking sticks. As we walked from our tour bus to the dock to get on the boat that would take us along the Ganges River, I felt very vulnerable. As I descended the uneven stairs, I needed help from my partner because negotiating those steps was difficult. I also needed help from others to get on the boat. Stepping down into the small boat was very painful. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed—imagining people thinking that if I were thinner, I wouldn’t need help. I was also very concerned that if something were to happen, I wouldn’t be able to run for safety. This was the first time in all my world travels that I felt such vulnerability—that I didn’t trust my body to get me to safety in a crisis.

As the boat began to sail into the sunset, I recognized that I needed to calm down and find inner peace. I closed my eyes and remembered listening to Ram Dass chant “Sri Ram Jaya Ram Jaya Jaya Ram”. Please click on the YouTube link at the end to hear Ram Dass chanting this beautiful mantra. This mantra is often chanted as a form of prayer or meditation, and is believed to bring blessings, peace, and spiritual upliftment to the person who chants it. On the Ganges, I experienced an awakening—it was time to choose health and well-being—now.

My trainer recommends that I see a sports medicine MD and have tests done to determine what exactly is causing my problems. I have an appointment in two weeks. I can no longer travel with knees that I cannot count on to carry me through my walks, stair climbing, etc. Nor can I demand so much from my knees and joints. During her ABC special on weight loss earlier this week, Oprah was candid about the approaches she took in the last year to achieve her weight loss. She has inspired me to give semaglutides a try. I’ve made an appointment for early April with my doctor who administers the shots.

My weight and body image have long been an albatross around my neck— going back to the age of eight when I was teased unmercifully by a neighbor boy for being fat and ugly. And the culture I’ve grown up in has been cruel and relentless in telling women how they need to look, think, and be. At this stage of my life, it’s no longer about fitting in and looking good. It’s about being fit and physically strong as I age. It’s also a matter of being able to count on my body to protect me. And my body needs me to make the best possible choices for her and me. There’s a big world out there and I plan to see as much of it as I can in the years ahead.

I’ll keep you posted!

Namaste,

Kathleen

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2023: The Year That Was

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Fri, 22 Dec 2023 17:35:53 +0000

This time of year, I remember my annual holiday card tradition which included finding a politically correct greeting card, as well as composing an upbeat newsletter to accompany my card. Generally the newsletter highlighted the successes and accomplishments I had achieved that calendar year. I read a meme the other day which suggested that accomplishments aren’t our only successes. Often, getting through a difficult year is cause enough to celebrate.

This has been a difficult year for our world. While my personal life has been filled with so many wonderful moments, our world community has suffered enormously. Our daily headlines underscore frequent themes of war, political instability, threatening illnesses, suicide, murders, shootings, financial crises, and international strife. I find it challenging to be hopeful in a world that feels so hopeless. And I often feel selfish for enjoying the wonderful life I have created for myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I awoke from a dream in which I was listening to the words of The Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have been reflecting on this prayer ever since that dream. I have wondered what are the best ways to achieve personal serenity in a world that is hurting. Ultimately, I believe we are responsible for being able to find center when there is chaos swirling around us. It boils down to creating dedicated practices that allow us to feel inner stability when either the world or our personal lives are in turmoil.

The Serenity Prayer is such an incredible gift to my life right now. The key lessons are mired within the notions of serenity, courage and wisdom. I define serenity as a state of feeling calm and peaceful. To achieve serenity requires that we create regular practices designed to cultivate tranquility. Practices may include prayer, meditation, yoga, walking, exercise, being in nature, listening to music, reading poetry, or journaling.

For example, I begin my day by lighting a candle with an intention for the day. As I drink coffee, I look out at the mountains and read spiritual writings to set the course for my day. I check in daily with my group of committed listeners and make a promise for the day.

Throughout the day I remember to breathe and repeat The Serenity Prayer to myself. I reflect on my intention for the day and review whether I am on task. I reflect on the quality of my serenity, the degree of courage I have attained, and determine if I have been rewarded with wisdom. At the end of the day, I give thanks to the Universe for the gift of another blessed day to strive for courage and wisdom.

I am learning that serenity doesn’t just happen. To achieve serenity demands regular and consistent practices designed to achieve balance. When we are in balance, I believe that we are better able to respond to the needs of the world.

Happy holidays.

Kathleen

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Hallelujah – Life is Really Messy

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Tue, 05 Sep 2023 22:15:10 +0000

I read recently that the intention behind Leonard Cohen’s song “Hallelujah” was to offer folks a different understanding of the term “hallelujah.” Rather than a redemptive religious message, he was aiming to offer a sense of acceptance and an ensuing embracement of life’s complicated messiness. To be able to raise one’s hands to the sky and belt out unabashedly the word “Hallelujah” offers an opportunity to acknowledge that life is hard, people can be unfair, and nonetheless we can choose to wholeheartedly reconcile this messiness within ourselves. We can choose to love life and remain committed to creating possibilities for others regardless of the messiness.

One such complicated/messy certainty of life is death. This week I learned of the deaths of two people. One friend’s brother died following a brief illness and the other died unexpectedly following routine surgery. This morning I awoke to the news of Jimmy Buffet and Bill Richardson’s deaths who each had influence on our world. Buffet through his vibrant music and lyrics; Richardson through years of public service as a long time politician and environmentalist/ humanitarian. All of these people seem to have died “suddenly”—a very human perspective. Yet—perhaps in a metaphysical sense, it was their souls’ time to leave this earthly plane. More so, perhaps “time” is measured differently in the metaphysical dimension.

In my last blog, I wrote about my fears of illness and aging. I am grateful to report that my three medical visits went well. I do need cataract surgery on each eye and those procedures have been scheduled for December. I learned that I have a small hiatal hernia which is requiring me to makes changes in my diet and lifestyle. Unless I have future problems, I don’t need any more colonoscopies! Hallelujah! And no anomalies were discovered during my dermatology appointment—I’ll return in six months.

So I say “Hallelujah” — I’m alive and healthy enough. I still have the desire to do what I love and make a difference in the ways that I can. Nonetheless, there’s always the unknown messiness of being human that we wake up to each morning and go to bed with each evening. I think Cohen is offering us a creative way to take the “bull by the horns” which equates with dealing with a difficult situation in a very direct or confident way. The messiness of our humanity is never going away. What is possible, however is cultivating a formidable acceptance of the messy marvelousness of life. I’m game!

Namaste,

Kathleen

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Aging Ain’t for Sissies

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Thu, 03 Aug 2023 19:24:23 +0000

I was talking with the two young receptionists at my chiropractor’s office the other day. They were wondering where I am traveling on my next trip. When I said I’d be spending three weeks in Japan during the fall, one said, “I want your life.” I laughed and asked if either of them wanted to give up their youth and be my age—70. They both shook their heads and said, “No.” I said at this stage of my life, travel is central to my lifestyle. However when I was their age, in my early thirties, travel was not the center of my life. In those years, I was focused on my career, education, building strong relationships with peers, as well as potential mates.

Since turning 70 last October, I have been reflecting on the aging process quite a bit. I have three major doctors’ appointments this month. I will see my ophthalmologist for my annual eye exam. I have noticed that my vision is changing, which makes driving at night more challenging. I wonder: Is this the year that I will need cataract surgery? I will also see my dermatologist for the annual assessment of the sun damage spots on my body. I wonder if the darker spot on my right wrist is serious? And lucky me—this is a bonus year as I am scheduled for both a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. I find myself wondering whether something will show up in the pathology report that will be serious.

When it’s time to see my doctors, I tend to be afraid that I will get bad news. I worry about the impact that negative news will have on my daily life. I ruminate about the ways in which my travel life will change and assess whether I will be prepared.

The truth of the matter is, as we age we face increasing health concerns. That’s reality. We can be proactive in tending to our health based on lifestyle choices. We have some control. And nonetheless we might get sick. Successful aging requires a delicate balance among cultivating a healthy life style, making annual treks to our doctors, and having faith in our ability to handle whatever comes our way. I firmly believe that we have a say in how we will respond to whatever life throws our way. We might want to consider creating a practice designed to override the fearful thoughts about a potential crisis such as an illness, with an affirmation such as “No matter what life throws my way, I will figure out how to handle it.”

We could also remember the wisdom offered by the 14th-century poet Hafez: “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own inner being.”

When facing a crisis, we need to stay connected to our inner being. It is here that I have found the wherewithal to think clearly and remain calm.

My tips for successful aging include:

Laughing daily.
Telling those we love how much they mean to us.
Looking regularly at the beauty of nature.
And enjoying a wonderful treat each day.

Namaste.

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What comes after accomplishing?

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Tue, 23 May 2023 18:35:43 +0000

I am 70 years old, retired, and curious about this new decade I am embarking upon. For most of our lives, it seems we are very busy producing results, accomplishing goals, getting educated, raising children, and moving ahead in our careers. About five years ago, I began to notice that my energy wasn’t focused on getting ahead in my professional life anymore.

I found myself enjoying alone time, cultivating meditation practices, and working on my new home after I moved back to Tucson after 40 years in California. I also met a wonderful man during this time period and we have been creating an exciting life together. We maintain our own homes, split all expenses 50-50, and have figured out a workable schedule that allows us together and apart time each week. Now that the COVID reality has somewhat subsided, we have returned to traveling again. We are aware of our ages and while we are both healthy and physically strong now, we know that a time will come when the trips we are currently enjoying may not be as easy to do.

I find myself wondering about what it means to be present in my life, with the notion of BEING at the core of my inquiry. After close to 50 years of my life being dedicated to accomplishing and achieving, I am somewhat mystified by the fact that I can declare that I made it in my life. So now what? How do I accomplish and achieve success with “being” like I did with “doing”?

In psychologist Erik Erickson’s model of adult development, the telos of the life stage 65+ is focused on integrity vs despair. We are ascertaining whether we have accomplished what we set out to do, in other words, are we in integrity with life. To be in despair about the choices we have made in our lives at this stage is not a healthy place to be. We no longer have the psychological, mental and physical stamina to produce the results to which we have aspired. It is a shock to realize we are in despair – no longer able to achieve the dreams we had for our lives.

To put this in context, if you were to die today, could you say that you are satisfied with what you set out to accomplish in this lifetime? If your answer is Yes, then you could declare that you are in integrity with yourself and life.

Namaste,

Kathleen

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“Life Is A Balancing Act”

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Wed, 25 Mar 2015 19:11:22 +0000

Ok I will admit it – I often enjoy working with alternative tools for self-awareness, development, and growth – like Tarot Cards, spiritual intuitive readings, and astrological chartings. One of my favorite tools is a deck of cards by New York Times best-selling author Don Miguel Ruiz, which is based on his best selling book The Four Agreements. The cards offer meditations on each of Ruiz’s four agreements which are: 1) Be impeccable with your word; 2) Don’t take anything personally; 3) Don’t make assumptions; and 4) Always do your best. I was reflecting on the focus of today’s post and decided to pull a card for guidance. I pulled Always Do Your Best and the meditation states: “you are alive, so take your life and enjoy it. You were born with the right to be happy, to love, and to share your love. Just to be – to take a risk and enjoy your life – is all that matters”.

In the wake of grief, I have worked diligently at becoming reacquainted with happiness, to enjoy life, and to feel alive. I have done my best to be where I am today – living fully, doing the inner work required of someone in grief, and taking a chance on life again. Today’s card made me think that “just to be” takes practice and awareness. I equate “to be” with being right here in the moment – in the present. I have learned through my many years of involvement with Landmark Education (www.landmarkworldwide.com) that I frequently live in the past, which I then tend to drag into the future. I have learned that living from this vantage point pretty much guarantees a future that looks like my past. I don’t know about you, but there are many aspects of my past that I don’t care to repeat … EVER. I prefer to see the future as a blank slate filled with a bunch of NOTHING – and from this space of NOTHING – anything and everything is possible. But I get ahead of myself … first I need to be here now – in the moment.

The ability to be in the moment takes practice and a commitment to this practice. I believe being in the now is dependent upon the creation of an anchoring phrase – a phrase that we come back to when we are flooded with feelings that are laced with anxiety and fear. My anchoring phrase is “I am committed to living an empowered life and empowering those whose lives I touch”. I feel fully alive when I support others to live an empowered life – a life that provides them with opportunities to be of service to our poor old world, to fall in love, to laugh, or to be in awe of the mystery of life. I feel alive when I learn, live, love, and laugh. Yes there are significant problems in the world. I am not living in a bubble of ignorance. However, I cannot let those problems drag me down into a space of feeling insignificant, powerless, and disempowered.

Author and Executive Coach Eric Allenbaugh notes that “every choice moves us closer to or farther away from something. Ask yourself: Where are your choices taking you? What do your behaviors demonstrate that you are saying yes or no to in life?” My commitment to the world and myself is that my choices are in alignment with my anchoring phrase. I ask myself “Is this choice going to take me closer to living an empowered life or return me to living in the “sewage” of life? Sometimes I can get back into alignment rather quickly and avoid the sewage – i.e., numbing out or being in the grip of negative and disempowered thinking. Other times I muck about in the sewage for quite a long time and stop keeping my word to others and myself. In the sewage, I am reacting to something I don’t want to confront and often act cavalier and rebellious. No doubt there is wisdom to be gained in the sewage … primarily “LET’S GET OUT OF HERE! THIS IS TOXIC!!”

Where are your choices taking you in your life? A word of caution: if you find yourself heading to a place that has a bad smell and you feel disempowered, you may be stepping into the sewage. When I finally wake up to the bad smell and feelings, I follow a 6 step practice that brings me back to the now: 1) I stop, 2) I breathe, 3) I look around, 4) I reflect and become curious with what I am feeling, what my body is sensing, and what is my mood, 5) I remember and repeat my anchoring phrase, and 6) I decide if I need to take action.

Sometimes this practice is second nature. Oftentimes I may find myself logging onto Amazon to see what I can buy or I head to the refrigerator to find something to eat in order to numb out – and there I am in the sewage! I, like you, am a work in progress. Cheers – we are on the right path. My advice: Be it our right foot or our left, let’s watch out where we step!

Namaste,

Kathleen

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Nip it in the Bud

Kathleen A. Barry, Ph.D. — Sat, 02 Aug 2014 14:01:32 +0000

In my last post I spoke about my new project 1-15-15 which encompasses the rediscovery of my physical, sexual, and emotional well-being. Way back when I was a young woman, I imagined by the age of 60 that I would have all the answers, be totally together, and be congruent with the world in which I live. Now that I am 61 and in the process of rediscovery, I can honestly admit that I don’t know what it looks like to be a whole woman who is sexy, smart, and resilient. However, from this space of not knowing, I encounter the UNKNOWN and all of its incredible possibilities and opportunities. What I do know, whether I like it or not, is that life will throw things my way when I least expect it.

The day after I last posted, I had such an opportunity when I attended a lovely cocktail party at a dear friend’s home. When I arrived at the party, I felt comfortable in my skin and was delighted to be there. I had the good fortune to meet with a lovely couple in their 80s who told me how they met 25 years ago after losing each of their spouses. I was happy to hear that they found love again after suffering through grief and loss. As I was leaving the party and saying goodbye to the woman, she told me I was beautiful and looked much younger than my age. As I was saying thank you, she added “but you are too fat and that is unacceptable for meeting men”. Wow … from utopia to hell in 30 seconds or less. I was stunned into silence by her comment. I mumbled that I gained a great deal of weight after my husband died and was in the process of losing it and getting back into shape. What I wanted to really do was slap her across the face and scream at her for being cruel and insensitive.

I left the party in a state of dismay. I thought through how I wanted to handle the situation. I spoke to my closest confidants – both men and women – and was supported in how to handle this lack of integrity on the woman’s part. The following week I saw her at another party. I was pleasant upon arrival, but knew it was important to let her stew in her own juices for awhile before I spoke with her. An hour and a half later I approached her and we spoke. I took her hand and looked her directly in the eyes. I told her that her comments to me were unacceptable and offensive. I also stated that I do not tolerate women treating each other like this. She apologized profusely and felt ashamed. She and I talked for quite awhile and we each had a healing experience. I stood in my power and she humbled herself in the face of truth and integrity.

This experience provided me the opportunity to step into my authority and allowed her to take responsibility for her actions. This was a powerful moment in my journey towards being true to who I am and NOT to the cultural standards that dictate who women are supposed to be in the world. The moral of the story is be true to who you are and to constantly challenge social and cultural expectations that weigh both women and men down. No pun intended of course!

Namaste.

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